A Friday evening and a solitary sitting room. The television in the corner has the sound turned off and is stuck on an infinite loop of never ending repeats of wretched shows, their botched attempts at humour and their motley collection of celebrities now well past their peak falling by the wayside. The window left slightly ajar grants a late summer nights breeze; temperate yet with the unmistakable crisp twinge of early September signifying that autumn is now looming. The only sounds to pierce the oppressive silence are the distant sounds of the late night traffic and the high pitched whine of the laptop fan; wretched technological contraption.
They forecast rain today; a fortnight’s worth in a single day. Flash floods have destroyed homes once again, public outcry and despair yet all will be forgotten a month down the line, forgotten about until it all repeats itself next year, like clockwork. No preparations will be attempted, and the usual displays of indignation will be gleefully rolled out by the media in 12 months time as once again the early autumn rains work their assault and battery across the nation, just as they have for as many years as can be remembered.
My prospects are about as bleak as the weather forecasts. University educated, Bachelor of Arts in History, qualified for nought. I am not a creative management consultant. I do not know what creative management is. I do not care to know. I do not have experience in meeting sales targets. I do not care about your sales targets which make you so wealthy on the back of my labour. I do not have experience in any of your following areas. I’ve never heard of half of your following areas. I have no interest in developing, let alone furthering, skills in business administration. I am not an enthusiastic employee. I do not have a passion for retail. I do not want to work on behalf of a consultancy group. I do not know what a consultancy group is or what they do. I have no interest. I do not want to work for the corporate machine. I do not want a career, devoting my entire life to the accumulation and hoarding of capital so that I can buy a nice house, with a nice car, have a nice wife and nice kids and go on a nice holiday each year. I do not want to go through life without ever having lived my life. I am a human being. I want to experience life. I want to take pleasure in every waking moment that I, who could so nearly not have existed if there had of been the slightest variation in the circumstances surrounding my birth, have been given to roam upon God’s fair earth. I want to live for the now. I want to appreciate and breathe deeply the beauty of all that is around me. I want to delight in the uniqueness of the life that I along have been given, just as everyone else has been given theirs. I want to love. I want to live.
We live in the supposed age of tolerance, yet the minds of people remain as firmly closed today as they ever have been. I do not want a career. I am spiritual yet subscribe to no religious denomination and never will do so. I do not believe that science has, or can ever have, all of the answers. I do not eat meat. I have long hair. I wear ageing and unfashionable clothes. My socks have holes in them. I go against the grain at many turns, but never on purpose. I do not want to fit in. I do not want to be different. I just want to be.
But nothing I can do or say will ever change anything. My life will never amount to anything great. I will not be remembered by History. I will live out my life and die; if I am still lucky at the time I shall be mourned by loved ones and, when they too die, I shall be forgotten. Not even a statistic, not even a small blip on the road of human existence. Seen from the perspective of the infinite expanse of Time I shall have been a nothing. But I am a person. I am a human being. I am a soul part of the infinite. I am beautiful. And nothing you can do or say will ever remove that from me. No matter how much you attempt to batter me into submission, to force me to conform, I shall never go gracefully. I shall fight tooth and nail to the grave for my right to live my life, causing no harm to others. I am not weak. I am strong. I am me.
12th November 2008